I keep on asking decisions for everything with friends and family members. Now I am not able to make decisions on my own. How should I get over this?

Read more books. Novellas not Novels. Read stories of Rabindra Nath Tagore, Tolstoy, Thomas Hardy, dickens etc. Watch more Hollywood movies especially movies made by Stephen Spielberg, Christopher Nolan, James Cameron etc. Go for movies with theme of Time travel, love story between human and robot. We learn a lot from stories both from books and movies as they are about human life, their personalities, desires, struggles, Viccitudes and evolution. 1Poverb needs to be shared with reference to the above statement which is:—

“Let's others ship wreck

Be my sea mark"

Don't be afraid to make mistakes.

Read more books. Novellas not Novels. Read stories of Rabindra Nath Tagore, Tolstoy, Thomas Hardy, dickens etc. Watch more Hollywood movies especially movies made by Stephen Spielberg, Christopher Nolan, James Cameron etc. Go for movies with theme of Time travel, love story between human and robot. We learn a lot from stories both from books and movies as they are about human life, their personalities, desires, struggles, Viccitudes and evolution. 1Poverb needs to be shared with reference to the above statement which is:—

“Let's others ship wreck

Be my sea mark"

Don't be afraid to make mistakes. I dn't think people can skip the mistakes and become wise. What ever happens good or bad will serve you at least. Be bold and informative. That's the recipy of a successful and meaningful life.

If you understand hindi then watch videos which could help you in this subject.

There is video on these topics on Following channels on youtube

1.Vivek Bindra

2.Harshvardhan Jain

3.Seeken

You could search and view these and if you are not able to take decisons even then ,then you can take some courses related to increasing decison making power.You should make this habit from begginnnng only or else it will make you suffer afterwards.

Codependent much? I can hear my 21 year old self nodding along with you furiously saying:

If only they just did what I told them to… their lives would be so much better

10+ year’s later and I am slowly beginning to understand, that I have no power over the way YOU think, feel and act. But I do have power over how I react, think and feel.

I can’t believe he is marrying her, doesn’t he understand that she is no good for him

A few year’s ago I allowed myself to become embroiled in a family dispute. A few members of a family were unhappy about the person their son, let’s call him Frank was marrying, l

Codependent much? I can hear my 21 year old self nodding along with you furiously saying:

If only they just did what I told them to… their lives would be so much better

10+ year’s later and I am slowly beginning to understand, that I have no power over the way YOU think, feel and act. But I do have power over how I react, think and feel.

I can’t believe he is marrying her, doesn’t he understand that she is no good for him

A few year’s ago I allowed myself to become embroiled in a family dispute. A few members of a family were unhappy about the person their son, let’s call him Frank was marrying, let’s call him Steve, and assume it has nothing to do with the sex of his groom. I got involved because he was a close friend. They thought I could talk to him.

You talk to him Mike. He listens to you.

I refused. But I did get involved in the gossip. The speculation. Hypothesising about what I believed other people should be doing.

I was being codependent and controlling.

Not long after their marriage, I realised something that changed my attitude towards other people’s problems

No one can make you feel anything. That’s all you baby.

But,

But she… but he… but they… you don’t understand.. easy for you to say.

So, friends and family members make bad decisions.

Why are you getting upset?

I want to control them. Why ?

  • I love them
  • I want to stop them getting hurt
  • I want to protect them
  • I want to take care of them
  • I’m scared

That person is doing something I wouldn’t do.

With less than 100% of the facts (100% being their consciousness) I am coming to the conclusion that this is not something I would do IF I was them.

So, back to the codependency.

If I am a fully actualised human being, then it doesn’t matter about what other people do, as long as it does not DIRECTLY affect me. My emotions are my own, managed, unaffected by the actions of others.

When I am codependent, then essentially I need you to validate my emotions.

You happy. I happy. You sad. I sad.

You become an extended version of who I see myself as. Like a child. So your pain becomes my pain. I control you like I do or would like to control myself.

Remember Frank and his unsuitable bride? His family wanted to control his decision. Unless they felt him mentally incompetent or making a decision, like a child. Then why wouldn’t they want Frank to marry Steve. Because Frank is doing something I WOULDN’T DO OR AM FEARFUL OF.

So the family makes many reasonable and logical arguments as to why Frank shouldn’t marry Steve. Money. Background. Personal Habits. Ad Infinitum.

What do they not say honestly ? Frank , I just don’t like him, and I don’t know why.

So why do you want to ‘deal’ with other people’s bad decisions?

Happiness in company is a blessed mix of boundaries and communication.

Bad Boundaries - You seem to be mixing your sense of ‘self’ with these ‘others.’ If their decisions do not affect you, then why are you unhappy? Maybe you giving advice makes you feel good, gives you esteem, and them rejecting it hurts. You are trying to fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed.

Why do you want to fix them?

Caretaking -You sound like a caring and loving person. Do you sometimes care too much? Feel like you become exhausted with other people’s problems? Do you feel like maybe that’s the only way you can be useful.

Why do you need to take care of them?

Frank married Steve, they have just had a son, and that little boy is my godson. Frank’s family still don’t like Steve.

Can I share a secret with you?

Sometimes I don’t like Steve too. But I keep that to myself. Over the years both Frank and sometimes even Steve have shared the problems they have had in their relationship.

I never give an opinion unless asked. I’ve wanted to fix them. But I resist the urge. As I realise the only person who can fix you..

Is you!

I write about emotions for my own stunted emotional growth at www.schoolofemotions.org.

I was in a similar situation for almost 18 years so I can relate to you better. Here's my story of how I turned my overprotective parents who mostly caged me in the house, to free bird .

You can't convince them in just one day. It takes time, depending on how overprotective your parents are. This world wasn't made in a single day. So take some time to make them realise that you are grown up and not a kid. I assure you that having patience here is worth it.

If you have overprotective parents, you'll be familiar with the fight that comes with your wanting to go out of the house or hanging out with

I was in a similar situation for almost 18 years so I can relate to you better. Here's my story of how I turned my overprotective parents who mostly caged me in the house, to free bird .

You can't convince them in just one day. It takes time, depending on how overprotective your parents are. This world wasn't made in a single day. So take some time to make them realise that you are grown up and not a kid. I assure you that having patience here is worth it.

If you have overprotective parents, you'll be familiar with the fight that comes with your wanting to go out of the house or hanging out with friends. Depending on how overprotective they are (there's definitely different levels), you may or may not be in for a real fight, even if you're just wanting to go out to see a movie with a bunch of friends.

For me, my dad is always super-protective, and there is a simple 'no' from his side with no further discussion. My mom however disliked this but couldn't take a stand against him.
When I was younger I couldn't stand against my dad, so I grew up never hanging out with friends or leaving the house.

Throughout the school and middle school whenever someone asked if I wanted to do something with them, I would ask my mom first and her reply would be "Ask your dad" and eventually be guilted into not going.
After that, I stopped trying and my friends stopped asking if I could do something (as I never could).

Keep in Mind...

Prepare Yourself and Your Resolve

If you've reached the point where you are tired of not being able to go out with friends, or you want more freedom for yourself, the first thing you need to do is ready your mind. This is crucial. The first time you make your stand against your parent(s), you'll have to fight against caving in.

For me, this didn't happen until my 12th. Yes, I know that is a very, very long time. I regret not going to any of parties with my friends or even movies.
Although my parents were so protective that I wasn't allowed to even play outdoor games. And as a result I am very poor in outdoor activities.
I did really want to go to the party but my dad somehow ended up guilting me into not going. I ended up crying and just thinking "fine, I didn't want to go anyway."

Tips to Keep in Mind

If you're parents know your friends/who you'll be hanging out with, they'll be more likely to say yes.

Don't push too far, too fast. Take it slow.

If they say no right away, try bartering with how good you're doing at school and how you'll be back before a certain time.

Keep in touch with your parents and let them know you're okay when you're out. (It's annoying, but a small sacrifice)

How Make Your Stand

Before even confronting your parent(s), keep your end goal in mind. If it's to go out with friends to a movie, don't let them win right away. It's okay if you don't get what you want at first. Try to barter and keep it at a level that they will be comfortable with.

If your parents don't want you hanging around with the opposite sex (which is another issue, but relevant), assure them that there will be a lot of people going. If they don't like you being out past a certain hour, see a movie and be back before that time. After a while, you can start asking for more. They will get more comfortable with you leaving the house. Just give them what they want somewhat (like a text message when you get there) and don't push too far too quickly.

Honestly, it's a lot like taking baby steps. Don't expect them to be okay with you having a serious date and not coming home until 1am the first time you ask. Let them build their trust in you first and get comfortable before stretching their limits.

And really, it's not so much as "asking" as putting your foot down. This may be hard at first, but if you open yourself up to a "yes or no" question, they're going to automatically say no, because they said so. An example of this would be "I want to go to the movies this Friday with so and so. A lot of people will be there and I'll be home by xxx. I'll text you when I get there."

Depending on how they answer, you may end up having to barter and convince them. "I've been doing really well in school lately and I don't go out a lot. I'll be sure to be careful, xxx is driving." It also helps if your parents know who you are hanging out with. If you have to bring them by, go for it. Play video games, ask if they can come over for dinner, etc. If you're parents are comfortable with your choice in friends, they'll be less likely to say no.

If you give up, you'll always regret watching your life pass without you doing anything about it.

Be Patient and Keep Trying

I can't stress how important it is to keep trying and pushing your boundaries. Depending on how overprotective and how hard it is for you to get your parents to agree to let you have your way, the longer it'll take to get them used to the idea.

One of the things my dad always complained about it that I was "given a little freedom and then I took advantage of it." Yeah, because I had been cooped up for years and years! But realistically, this made it harder to get him used to the idea of me going out. I probably should have taken it slower, but by that time I was 19 or 20 and I knew that he was being unreasonable.

Be prepared for "I'm not talking to you" and the silent treatment every once in a while. I luckily had my mom to help calm my dad down sometimes. Eventually though, he did finally get used to me leaving the house, hanging out with friends. It wasn't in any way easy for him to accept it, but I tried to make it easier by spending time with him.

It's not easy, but if it's something that you want, keep trying. It's well worth the struggle and once you finally do gain your freedom and independence, you'll find that you don't feel as anxious, lonely and caged up as you used to.

I want to make some critical life decisions myself. My family and most of my friends are against me. Should I continue to believe in what I do myself?

With out knowing the type of relationship you have with your family it is difficult to give you correct feed back to your question. Sometimes family and friends can see things that one is not aware of and one can wind up regretting their decision. On the other hand sometimes one has to cut toxic relationships out of their life.

As an adult, having anyone telling you how to live your life needs to be looked at carefully. Are you being protected by

I want to make some critical life decisions myself. My family and most of my friends are against me. Should I continue to believe in what I do myself?

With out knowing the type of relationship you have with your family it is difficult to give you correct feed back to your question. Sometimes family and friends can see things that one is not aware of and one can wind up regretting their decision. On the other hand sometimes one has to cut toxic relationships out of their life.

As an adult, having anyone telling you how to live your life needs to be looked at carefully. Are you being protected by those that are against you making your own decision? Are they considering how that decision you make can hurt them or move you further way from everyone that you know. Have they been trying to direct your life, all of your life? Where will it put them if you make life changing decisions without consideration for them?

A wise person will listen and consider what others reasons why they think what you want to decide for yourself is not right for you. One can listen to the opinions of others, but in the long run, you will be the one to live life after you have made these decisions. Make life changing decisions only after careful consideration of whether these decisions will wind up being good or not so good for you.

One last word, it is natural to only think of what good a decision can do. One must consider the pros and cons of following through on any life changing decisions because sometimes it can be impossible to reverse what that decision has done to oneself.

Q: Should I allow the opinions of my friends and family to weigh in on personal decisions?

It is reasonable to discuss problems and decisions with friends and family. Asking for advice is normal.

Listen. Ask questions. Give them information that will help them understand your position and potential choices.

You don’t need to take anyone’s advice, however. You may certainly use the wisdom, experience, education, and knowledge of others to inform your choice, but ultimately, you are the one who will live with your decision.

Some people pressure others to make the decision they feel is right, or that

Q: Should I allow the opinions of my friends and family to weigh in on personal decisions?

It is reasonable to discuss problems and decisions with friends and family. Asking for advice is normal.

Listen. Ask questions. Give them information that will help them understand your position and potential choices.

You don’t need to take anyone’s advice, however. You may certainly use the wisdom, experience, education, and knowledge of others to inform your choice, but ultimately, you are the one who will live with your decision.

Some people pressure others to make the decision they feel is right, or that will benefit them more than you. (Ex., a parent who doesn’t want you to move away when you have a good job offer). When someone has an emotional investment in your decision, keep in mind that their advice may not be in your best interest. When you inform them of your choice, if it isn’t what they prefer, tactfully let them know that you fully considered their input, and appreciate their care.

Other people become offended if you ask advice but don’t take it. When they find out you made a different choice, emphasize that their input was valuable and appreciated, and thank them for their valuable opinion.

Once you have decided, don’t let others change your mind for their benefit. Be firm but kind, and don’t let a discussion about all your reasons even get started again.

Advice is part of gathering all the facts for a smart decision. But only seek it from those who have your interests at heart.

Anticipating the consequences prior to acting and deciding in which manner to act boggles the mind. Think too much and we fail to act decisively . All the problem is the technique you adopt into dealing and perceiving of problems. Life is all about problem solving , when we emphasise something more than we can get we are getting unrealistic making unachievable goals and aims.

Life is all about making mistakes and learning from them. Experience is everything and much we learn from it than anything else. Stop thinking , start acting, start feeling ,trust your instincts. Thinking cripples our deci

Anticipating the consequences prior to acting and deciding in which manner to act boggles the mind. Think too much and we fail to act decisively . All the problem is the technique you adopt into dealing and perceiving of problems. Life is all about problem solving , when we emphasise something more than we can get we are getting unrealistic making unachievable goals and aims.

Life is all about making mistakes and learning from them. Experience is everything and much we learn from it than anything else. Stop thinking , start acting, start feeling ,trust your instincts. Thinking cripples our decision making power and the more we think the more we exhaust our mental strength. Unable to cope with reality we consider failure as a never ending problem . All what is required to solve the problem is to change the perspective of how to deal with the problem. Change the attitude towards the problem if you can’t change the problem. Success comes after number of failures but winning or success doesn’t counts. All that counts is time and with it experience. We are not born a superhero rather all the struggles of our life makes us stronger as we learn to face them and overcome those obstacles.

Will power, dedication , persistence, adaption , change, hardiness, resilience, patience ,wisdom all counts in this struggle of life. What matters is our efforts ,even if we don’t succeed we learn bit by bit from failure.

As for the pessimistic thinking, what you think you will become, so if you continuously keep giving yourself the feedback that ,’you can’t do it,’ you actually will fail to do what you aim to do. Love your life as it unfolds, don’t run or be fearful of your life full of problems. Everyone faces problems but they face it head on. A warrior is no warrior who has not fought any war, it takes courage to engage in battle and after winning we achieve confidence and learn to trust ourselves of what we are. You can do much more than you think you can. All is to either change the problem or change your perspective /attitude into dealing with the problem.

Life is uncertain and life is not meant to be lived in fear of unknown future. Engage and disengage, don’t think too much, act and finish with proper decision making power. Little by little things will start appearing approachable, but the effort has to come from within you. Want to bring a change in life, change the way you perceive life as it is. Be optimistic. Desensitisation and experience is what matters to you. The feelings the prevent you from acting needs to be desensitised and the more the experience you gain the more confidently and independently you can act.

Do what you fear to do the most, that is the key to success. Everything we want is on the other side of fear, so become fearless. Don’t fear failure, rather learn from it. Never stop trying, success needs continuous efforts , and become resilient and hardy in your approach of problem solving .Adopt mindfulness and start loving what you do ,other wise success is impossible. Do what you want to do, think the way you wanna think. But don’t stay stuck at something, rather keep trying different ways to overcome the problem. Don’t give your problem so much energy that they start appearing overwhelming to encounter.

Change is the law of nature , adopt it, be flexible and adapt to the changing needs and requirements. Its not the fittest who survive in this world, rather the most change adapting individual who not only survive but also achieve success.

All is in your mind, give positive assertions ,beliefs and show conviction into doing something once and for all. Love the life you live ,live the life you love.

Focus on the essentials, do what needs to be done at all cost. Keep pushing yourself, otherwise you would never know what ability you harbour. What doesn’t kills only makes us stronger. Don’t procrastinate, act and feel at the same time. Just focus on what you want and act naturally. Everything will come to you at the right time, but be patient and don’t loose hope.

In life nothing is easy , but life holds no promises, we ourselves have to face the hardships and become bold and resistant and capable of problem solving. Faced by new situation causing anxiety, change your approach and interpretation of the problem by bringing creativity and abstraction into redefining it. The problem stay the problem till we keep thinking it is a problem. Become sure shot, try to find the answer within the question itself. Nothing is impossible because it itself says ‘i am possible.’ Positive approach and faith in your abilities and trust in self will count. Never consider something challenging for everything becomes easy when you just believe it is. Belief is what matters most . Whether you think you can or you cannot, you’re right anyhow. Realise your true self by trusting and believing in yourself. Focus on one thing at a time, and never skip things rather finish what you started without caring much about the consequences. Final efforts have to come from you as you are the only one to bring a change to change the way you live dealing with things. Approach and perspective taking of the problem needs change.

Lot of great answers here.

I have nothing new to say. Just this.

Most children think that their current "problems" are too much to handle. Once they grow up they will do better.

This changes when they grow up. They ponder about three things.

  1. What if they could still be kids and enjoy. How kids do not have to worry at all.
  2. What if "that" would not have happened earlier. I would have been in a better position now. I wish I could go back to the time and change that. Oh! that stupid decision of mine. God knows what I was thinking then! I should have done that..........
  3. If I do this will I achieve that?

Lot of great answers here.

I have nothing new to say. Just this.

Most children think that their current "problems" are too much to handle. Once they grow up they will do better.

This changes when they grow up. They ponder about three things.

  1. What if they could still be kids and enjoy. How kids do not have to worry at all.
  2. What if "that" would not have happened earlier. I would have been in a better position now. I wish I could go back to the time and change that. Oh! that stupid decision of mine. God knows what I was thinking then! I should have done that..........
  3. If I do this will I achieve that? God knows. Too risky. What if it happens again? I am an all time loser. I am born to lose. It happened last time. It will happen again. I am screwed. There is nothing called real happiness in this world for me. See him. How he is enjoying his life.............


In all the above situations we are either in past or future.

Present is the only thing which doesn't matter.

  • We have life. Doesn't matter, so does a dog right?
  • We have job. Doesn't matter, it is not that great.
  • We have a family. Doesn't matter, they are the reason for all the problems.
  • We have money. Doesn't matter, it is not enough.
  • We have partner. Doesn't matter, he or she is not an ideal mate.
  • We might have a partner soon. Doesn't matter, he or she will be worse than previous one.
  • Am I right in thinking all the above things. Doesn't matter, I am stupid and most around me are too.


Simple solution to most problems in life is to accept what is controllable and what is not controllable. Please be easy on yourself for what is not controllable (past and future). Please focus on what is controllable (present).

Some learn a bicycle without falling even once. Other do fall few times.

The experience of falling is precious. It teaches a lot. I would advise you to understand this.

That's it. No more. I will only ruin it if I write further. (As if I have not done already ;)

Thanks for A2A Anonymous. Nice to know you. All the best.

The way education works in the last couple decades, is it has been teaching students that there is only one right answer.

You are an unfortunate product of that educational system. You have come to believe that there is only one right answer, and that it is deemed correct by someone else giving you a grade.

The only way to learn to take your own counsel, is to force yourself to stop asking for advice on certain things, and keep a journal to write about how it went.

Yes, I'm telling you to learn to grade yourself. After you do this a few times, you will come to realize that things don't go bette

The way education works in the last couple decades, is it has been teaching students that there is only one right answer.

You are an unfortunate product of that educational system. You have come to believe that there is only one right answer, and that it is deemed correct by someone else giving you a grade.

The only way to learn to take your own counsel, is to force yourself to stop asking for advice on certain things, and keep a journal to write about how it went.

Yes, I'm telling you to learn to grade yourself. After you do this a few times, you will come to realize that things don't go better when you take the advice of others, it just seems less risky.

Would you require someone else to tell you who to be friends with? To tell you how to raise your children? To tell you when to put on a bandaid? No. You will have to practice making your own decisions, and paying close attention to see that your life doesn't fall apart when you do.

If you try making your own decisions without keeping a journal, without paying close attention to the outcomes, you will not notice that you do just fine, you will not be learning to rely on yourself.

Don't ask anyone else if it turned out ok! Just see for yourself.

Courage--you can do this.

Have you drawn clear boundaries? Like it or not, usually, our families know us the best and are looking out for us. With that in-depth knowledge of who we are, also comes our natural sensitivity to their opinions. If you've gauged that you're not just being sensitive because of WHO is delivering the message and it truly is just coming from a place of constant criticism, it's time to draw those boundaries! State once and for all that they can offer their opinions, it is their right; however, you are no longer going to entertain them. Tell them that as soon as the criticism starts to flow, you w

Have you drawn clear boundaries? Like it or not, usually, our families know us the best and are looking out for us. With that in-depth knowledge of who we are, also comes our natural sensitivity to their opinions. If you've gauged that you're not just being sensitive because of WHO is delivering the message and it truly is just coming from a place of constant criticism, it's time to draw those boundaries! State once and for all that they can offer their opinions, it is their right; however, you are no longer going to entertain them. Tell them that as soon as the criticism starts to flow, you will find more welcoming and accepting company to be around. Thank them for caring about you, but until you're truly risking or ruining your life, they really don't need to share their thoughts on everything you do.

I've personally ended phone calls/ visits mid-sentence by saying, “ok this is my cue, time to go.” You've already explained to them the consequences--no need to nag. They'll most likely take time to learn a new way so be gracious if they try to correct themselves at this point.

Be prepared to stand your ground. They WILL test you. Good luck…keep us posted!! :)

The basic awareness is essential to be able to make right decisions in one's own life.

First is understanding thr meaning and significance of supreme values in life like freedom,peace,love, compassion.

Next is ability to discrete between the polarities in values like truth and untruth, ethical and unethical, right and wrong, moral and amoral, justice and injustice,healthy and unhealthy,and so on.

This strengthens one to make right choice from these values while making decisions in life. And not only that,it give one confidence in decision making to even accept the consequences of one's own decisi

The basic awareness is essential to be able to make right decisions in one's own life.

First is understanding thr meaning and significance of supreme values in life like freedom,peace,love, compassion.

Next is ability to discrete between the polarities in values like truth and untruth, ethical and unethical, right and wrong, moral and amoral, justice and injustice,healthy and unhealthy,and so on.

This strengthens one to make right choice from these values while making decisions in life. And not only that,it give one confidence in decision making to even accept the consequences of one's own decision making in life.

This can well be applied in all spheres of life.

Only thing is that one has to have awareness of one's sarasar vivek.

N Y Purohit

www.sarasarvivek.blogspot.com

Converting yourself into a productive personality in one go is not a possible task. You can’t change yourself just by thinking and knowing about it.

Being in lazy state:

  • Know your why. Why do you want to be productive? If the answer to this question is not effective then it’s good for you to waste your time because you are not ready to fight the battles of life.
  • Start reading or watching good documentaries. Feed yourself with good information instead of invaluable and entertaining videos which makes you anxious and non-interested in the real world.