I always put others' needs before my own. How can I be more assertive and put my interests first without feeling bad about it?

I have written a therapeutic tale on this subject, (amongst others), named 'The Baker', if anyone wishes to send me their email address, I will gladly send you a copy.

(gary.gedall@bluewin.ch)

Life needs balance, without it, things cannot function correctly. They might seem to, for a long moment, but I, all too often, see patients that are; kind, generous, self effacing, more comfortable to be last, than to be first, who have totally fallen to pieces!!!!

We need to be fed, on every level; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

If we are not fed enough, we will sicken and even, eventuall

I have written a therapeutic tale on this subject, (amongst others), named 'The Baker', if anyone wishes to send me their email address, I will gladly send you a copy.

(gary.gedall@bluewin.ch)

Life needs balance, without it, things cannot function correctly. They might seem to, for a long moment, but I, all too often, see patients that are; kind, generous, self effacing, more comfortable to be last, than to be first, who have totally fallen to pieces!!!!

We need to be fed, on every level; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

If we are not fed enough, we will sicken and even, eventually die.

If we sicken, not only will we not be able to give to others, but eventually will become a charge for those that we were helping.

Also, for you, especially, as a future therapist, you will have to learn how to take your own space, how might a patient feel safe with you, if you cannot protect even your own space?

Also, as a future therapist, it is important that you undergo your own therapeutic process, (as a patient), your (in)ability to affirm yourself and to take your just portion might be interesting subjects to work on.

We all know that you CAN affirm yourself when you feel it justified and necessary, you just need to realise that sometimes it can be justified and necessary for yourself.

Keep fighting, you're getting there.

Kindest regards,

Gary

You seem to have a lot of empathy, and care deeply about other people. If making the world a better place is your goal, consider this:

You can’t do good work with damaged tools. In your quest to help other people, your own energy, abilities, talents, and training are your tools. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to help others; you’ll just burn out and be unable to help anybody at all.

Taking care of yourself is a prerequisite for helping others. If you are happy, you can spread happiness. If you are strong, you can lend your strength. You are as important as all those other

You seem to have a lot of empathy, and care deeply about other people. If making the world a better place is your goal, consider this:

You can’t do good work with damaged tools. In your quest to help other people, your own energy, abilities, talents, and training are your tools. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to help others; you’ll just burn out and be unable to help anybody at all.

Taking care of yourself is a prerequisite for helping others. If you are happy, you can spread happiness. If you are strong, you can lend your strength. You are as important as all those other people you value. And there are other people who care about you. Think about how glad it makes you to see other people happy, healthy, and strong; think about how happy it makes you to be able to help them. When you accept help from others, they get that same sort of “rush” that you do when you help them. It’s not shameful to ask for or accept help when you need it. That’s what friends are for.

Don’t try to be a superhero who swoops in to save everyone and then disappears. Instead, work toward interdependence—you help others, and are helped in return; you create a community where everyone, including you, is valued.

Do you put everyone before you or only selected people? If selected people then try to know what is it about those people that makes you put them before yourself. Are they your boss, someone you like, someone you have crush on ... etc? After that see what the consequences would be if you don't put them before yourself. For example, how unhappy your boss would be and how unhappy you would be with your boss unhappiness!! For the most part, the answer is easy here; your boss comes first. Now, if they are someone you like and could be a potential partner, for example, and you are single then this

Do you put everyone before you or only selected people? If selected people then try to know what is it about those people that makes you put them before yourself. Are they your boss, someone you like, someone you have crush on ... etc? After that see what the consequences would be if you don't put them before yourself. For example, how unhappy your boss would be and how unhappy you would be with your boss unhappiness!! For the most part, the answer is easy here; your boss comes first. Now, if they are someone you like and could be a potential partner, for example, and you are single then this should dissolve after you have someone in your life. And so on. My point is to to try to identify what it is that about that person that makes you put them before yourself and see if it is worthy or not. Sometimes it is worthy even if we don't like it (like the boss situation), sometimes it is not worthy (like someone you like/have a crush on and you believe you don't have a chance with them), other times it is worthy and you like it (like someone that you like/have a crush on and you have a chance with them, if they're not already your partner).

Hope that helps!!

Well first, you should never feel bad for taking time to focus on yourself and anyone who tries to make you feel bad for trying to do that needs to be cut out of your life immediately. You should practice telling people no, now they may not take you seriously if you usually act as their “doormat”. But you’ve got to at the very least try. Also, having strong boundaries will be beyond helpful because if you stop letting people walk all over you. This should essentially feel better because all this energy you were once putting into others you should be putting into yourself. **always remember tha

Well first, you should never feel bad for taking time to focus on yourself and anyone who tries to make you feel bad for trying to do that needs to be cut out of your life immediately. You should practice telling people no, now they may not take you seriously if you usually act as their “doormat”. But you’ve got to at the very least try. Also, having strong boundaries will be beyond helpful because if you stop letting people walk all over you. This should essentially feel better because all this energy you were once putting into others you should be putting into yourself. **always remember that there is NOTHING wrong with being a LITTLE selfish from time to time.** What i believe is that you just need to find a balance that works for you; The “perfect” balance between being selfish and selfless. I’m sure one day you’ll get there.

-sydnee

It's good you're mindful of other people. If you have a strong desire to help others and make sure others are taken care it's important to put your needs first. If you put yours first and you have your needs satisfied you'll be in a far better position financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically to help others achieve their needs. When you neglect yourself you rob yourself of strength needed to help others. Helping yourself is helping others.

You have nothing to do. But keep it in your mind that What do you do it's only for you.
So you have to go ahead.

Learn the art of saying 'NO'.

For the past two years (really, it's just one since this year was cancelled due to COVID19) I have done debating. In debating, the adjudicator marks you on your points, your gestures and eye contact and the way you speak.

For my last debate, I was third speaker, meaning I was all-out rebutting. In the middle of my rebuttal, I dropped all my palm cards - all my notes and as I went to pick them up, I panicked. Then I said "screw it". I started recalling any facts I could remember from my head and since I wasn't looking at my notes, I was practically dancing across a stage and making these wild fa

For the past two years (really, it's just one since this year was cancelled due to COVID19) I have done debating. In debating, the adjudicator marks you on your points, your gestures and eye contact and the way you speak.

For my last debate, I was third speaker, meaning I was all-out rebutting. In the middle of my rebuttal, I dropped all my palm cards - all my notes and as I went to pick them up, I panicked. Then I said "screw it". I started recalling any facts I could remember from my head and since I wasn't looking at my notes, I was practically dancing across a stage and making these wild facial expressions and hand gestures. I could speak more freely - tone, volume.

Before I went up, my Mom told me "don't be so angry" because I come off as angry to her. Afterwards, (we won) my debating coach said I looked very lively and passionate.

Not only debating, I'm giving a TED speech soon. For every vocal presentation I've done, for assignments or co-curricular work, I spoke the way that sounded right to me. I was myself.

So be assertive as hell. Be passionate. Show the audience that you know what you're talking about - make them understand that you believe in what you say. You do not have to feel bad about your opinions. You have the right to think for yourself. As long as you don't throw people beneath you like some stepping blocks and demolish their opinion.

If you're going to voice your opinion, you voice it assertively, passionately and with a garnish of your personality. Make it unique.

You put other people's happiness above you because you think you are worthless. You are lesser than others. There is a sense of inferiority complex in you. You have lack of respect for yourself. You feel that your own interests, hobbies, time and needs are less important than that of others. You think that others are more important than you.

Yes! It is bad. This kind of thinking where you have lack of respect for yourself will keep you always unhappy.

You can stop this by visiting your core beliefs. The core beliefs which make you think you are less important or are guilty or lesser than others.

You put other people's happiness above you because you think you are worthless. You are lesser than others. There is a sense of inferiority complex in you. You have lack of respect for yourself. You feel that your own interests, hobbies, time and needs are less important than that of others. You think that others are more important than you.

Yes! It is bad. This kind of thinking where you have lack of respect for yourself will keep you always unhappy.

You can stop this by visiting your core beliefs. The core beliefs which make you think you are less important or are guilty or lesser than others. These core beliefs may have their origin in your life experiences or the environment in which you have lived.

Let's discuss the possible experiences-

  1. Bad parenting or family- When a child is not given proper love, he feels rejected and starts believing that he is unworthy because his own parents do not love him. So always feels he is lesser than others. There remains a void inside and one tries to fill it up entire adult life by seeking approval.
  2. A humiliating or embarrassing experience- When someone goes through such an experience his self esteem may suddenly take a dip and a person might fall into falsly believing that he is not good. the humiliation is internalized and person stops respecting himself.
  3. Failure or rejections- When facing these experiences one might start thinking that his life is not good and that he is not good and unworthy. He deserves to be treated bad.

All these beliefs are false and wrong created by ignorance and flawed thinking. One would need to dwell deep into his core set of beliefs and realize that he is as important as anyone else. One must respect himself as much as he respects others.

Once you are able to resolve these issues and establish your self esteem and self respect, you will find happiness.

Along with it, teach people to respect you, your needs, interests, feelings and time. Only let those people inside your life who respect you. Consider yourself the most important person in your life. Once you become happy thus, you will be able to give more than you are giving now.

Imagine living as a family group with another adult and a couple children. The other adult asks for food and you prepare and serve him dinner. That's pretty nice of you.

But he throws away the whole plate on to the floor, and demands more. You shake your head, sigh, tell yourself it was an accident and prepare more. Maybe even take some from your own portion, and give it to him. He throws it on the floor again. And demands more.

You tell yourself everyone has bad days, and can have a temper, and so take all the food from your own plate and give it to him. Isn't that amazing and kind of you? Gues

Imagine living as a family group with another adult and a couple children. The other adult asks for food and you prepare and serve him dinner. That's pretty nice of you.

But he throws away the whole plate on to the floor, and demands more. You shake your head, sigh, tell yourself it was an accident and prepare more. Maybe even take some from your own portion, and give it to him. He throws it on the floor again. And demands more.

You tell yourself everyone has bad days, and can have a temper, and so take all the food from your own plate and give it to him. Isn't that amazing and kind of you? Guess what he does? Throws it in the trash, accuses you of deliberately keeping him hungry, abuses you and demands more! Maybe even hits you.

You cry, and then take the food from the children’s plate. They can live without food one more day, but he is so needy, so hungry, he needs your help, your sacrifice. So you give him the children’s food, the children are hungry but that's ok. It's only for a day, he will definitely be better tomorrow. But then he throws that food against the wall in a massive tantrum, accuses you of poisoning him,hating him, yells at you, hits you and demands more food.

So you grab all the food in the fridge, tell yourself how kind and helpful you are and serve it to him. And he gets absolutely furious and tosses it all in the toilet. You are torturing him by keeping him hungry. He hasn't had anything to eat and you are just not feeding him!!!!!!! How evil you are!!!

A narcissist’s hunger for attention stems from his broken childhood. It can't be fulfilled.

A codependent is the person unable or unwilling to accept the obvious signs of an abuser. Either because they feel the need to repeat their own childhood trauma of being devalued, or because they think they are special, so amazingly kind and giving that they sacrifice for the other’s good or because they feel they need to be punished. The abuser is not hiding the abuse, he will drain the codependent of all resources eventually without using them positively. The codependent will refuse to acknowledge that their efforts are benefiting no one.

My ex once said to me, “If you are walking in a desert and carrying our child and you finally come upon some water, who gets to drink from it?” I responded “well, our child, of course”. He then pointed out “but, then when you collapse from dehydration, who will get our child to safety?”.

He was trying to get me to see that I NEEDED to take care of myself first and foremost, b/c without me being healthy and strong (emotionally, as well as physically), I was no good to anyone! While he was an incredibly selfish person (part of the reason he is my ex), I did see the wisdom in what he was saying.

Fo

My ex once said to me, “If you are walking in a desert and carrying our child and you finally come upon some water, who gets to drink from it?” I responded “well, our child, of course”. He then pointed out “but, then when you collapse from dehydration, who will get our child to safety?”.

He was trying to get me to see that I NEEDED to take care of myself first and foremost, b/c without me being healthy and strong (emotionally, as well as physically), I was no good to anyone! While he was an incredibly selfish person (part of the reason he is my ex), I did see the wisdom in what he was saying.

For those of us who are natural givers and nurturers, it is difficult to think of ourselves as we thrive on giving to others and doing for others. On the flip side of the coin, it can leave us feeling empty and depleted if we are not getting anything as well. I found this out the hard way.

I finally came to realize that NOONE is going to make me a priority if I don’t value myself enough to make myself one. I also have come to realize that at different phases of life, we have greater opportunity to put ourselves first, and if we don’t take advantage of that, then we truly have noone to blame but ourselves!

IF someone were to ask me that same question today, I could confidently answer “ I would SHARE the water with my child so that we can BOTH make it safely across.” I have come to realize that I have to find a BALANCE that works for ME.