Does not arguing back with someone make them angrier?

Probably but it’s a very smart tactic. What can the person do if they have no one to argue with???? I usually try to avoid arguments because usually both parties are angry and too often we end saying things we are sorry for later, BUT

once the words are said you can’t take them back, sure you can apologize but they are not going to forget what you said. I have learned the hard way how many times my mouth has got me in trouble (a lot of times)…..Sometimes it’s still hard for me to keep my mouth closed, I get so angry but it’s a no win situation. So if you can, ignore them because that usually ma

Probably but it’s a very smart tactic. What can the person do if they have no one to argue with???? I usually try to avoid arguments because usually both parties are angry and too often we end saying things we are sorry for later, BUT

once the words are said you can’t take them back, sure you can apologize but they are not going to forget what you said. I have learned the hard way how many times my mouth has got me in trouble (a lot of times)…..Sometimes it’s still hard for me to keep my mouth closed, I get so angry but it’s a no win situation. So if you can, ignore them because that usually makes the other person even angrier. Now I need to learn to follow my own advice!!!!

No. It takes two to argue, If you don’t argue back, the person will lose steam quickly and stop the argument. If instead, you argue back, you are adding fuel to the flame and making the person angrier. Just say ‘whatever’ and change the subject.

I had a boss who was the master, someone would come in yelling and screaming at him and he would stand there patiently listening. After awhile, he would calmly say ‘are you done?’ No matter how angry the person was, they couldn’t make my boss angry and his calmness make arguments end quickly.

It usually shouldn’t. If someone is constantly trying to pick fights with you maybe you should drop them or talk to them about it because that seems pretty toxic. If they’re a normally chill person and this just happens to be a random argument then I would try to get their side of the story and see how they are feeling and then try to work out some compromise or agreement to make you guys both good again. The best way to solve an argument is to talk it out with the person you are arguing with, if this doesn’t seem like a good idea then you should take a break from that person. Hope this helps

It usually shouldn’t. If someone is constantly trying to pick fights with you maybe you should drop them or talk to them about it because that seems pretty toxic. If they’re a normally chill person and this just happens to be a random argument then I would try to get their side of the story and see how they are feeling and then try to work out some compromise or agreement to make you guys both good again. The best way to solve an argument is to talk it out with the person you are arguing with, if this doesn’t seem like a good idea then you should take a break from that person. Hope this helps and feel free to talk to me if you ever need someone to listen.

No it diffuses the situation. Unless you lack emotion and they want you to argue to show you care. If it's a woman arguing with you and you're male. Argue back! There's a saying… When I stop arguing with you it means I've given up caring. That's how women work. If she's arguing she's trying to sort something out. If she's silent she knows there's no hope.

It depends on your intention. People generally know.

Is it because you are avoiding being held accountable for your sctions?

Is it out of humility?

Is it out of compassion?

Is it because you want them to get more upset?

It’s worth checking your intention.

You don’t have to be angry back and there might be a way of communicating with them. Maybe not.

How you deal with people who try to talk over you during an argument is to shift into a different attitude. Step into a larger world where you stop arguing and start listening.

When you are arguing, you are insisting that you are right and that you have a right to be right. That is why you are arguing, because you have created a “side”, me against you, which requires a winner and a loser. But if you listening, the argument will fall off the map, and no one will be trying to talk over you.

To show that you are listening, repeat back what the other person is saying. This is counterintuitive becaus

How you deal with people who try to talk over you during an argument is to shift into a different attitude. Step into a larger world where you stop arguing and start listening.

When you are arguing, you are insisting that you are right and that you have a right to be right. That is why you are arguing, because you have created a “side”, me against you, which requires a winner and a loser. But if you listening, the argument will fall off the map, and no one will be trying to talk over you.

To show that you are listening, repeat back what the other person is saying. This is counterintuitive because you are still insistent that you and you alone are right, but do it anyway. Whatever the other says, repeat it back. “What I hear you saying is blah, blah, blah, right?” You do not have to agree, you only have to acknowledge what you have heard. Be as faithful as possible to what the person said, don’t try to color it or interpret it as in “you’re saying that I’m an idiot,” when they have said, “you didn’t do that right.” They did not say you were an idiot. That is your interpretation.

Within three honest repeats the wind in the other person’s sails will be flat, gone, because suddenly he feels heard. No one is arguing with him and he doesn’t feel the need to try to shout louder than you in order to be heard, so there is no argument.

Then, instead of trying to prove that the other person is wrong (which will produce an argument 100 percent of the time), explain how you feel and state what you need. Don’t say, “You’re an idiot to drive so fast,” for that is an accusatory “you” statement. That produces arguments. Say, “I feel uncomfortable when you drive so fast. I need to feel safe. I need to feel the kids are safe.”

But you’re still wanting to insist that your way is right, right? Then you are still locked into your ego where your opinion matters more than friendships, intimate and family relationships, love, harmony, and courtesy. Instead of trying to prove that you are right why not use every situation as an opportunity for personal growth? You can deepen the bonds of relationship by using communication tools so that you both win.

This can’t be learned overnight, for we have layers of ego training and modeled behaviors that promote the belief that arguing is useful and productive. It is not. There is some value in philosophical arguing, but 99.9 percent of the population doesn’t do philosophical arguing, they do ego arguing, they fight to win. Fighting to win will always produce hateful feelings in everyone. How stupid is it to think that being right will make you loved?

Learn non-violent methods of communication and you may never find yourself in an argument again.

Non-violent communication Nonviolent Communication - Wikipedia

Reflective Listening—Reflective listening - Wikipedia

What if the other person doesn’t want to listen to you? Expect this, for more people are caught up in their egos and the need to win than are willing to learn good communication skills, but even if only you practice it, it will end the futile alternative of fight-to-win. When you practice your side of it alone, you will better understand where the other person is coming from and will find easier ways to remove issues.

I agree, mostly, with other people who say the angry person gets angrier when you stay calm and they want a reaction from you.

But it depends on what kind of calm you are. Some people who are getting yelled at feel uncomfortable, yet try to stay calm and end up with a half smile that looks like a smirk, which is truly infuriating.

But it is more likely that you're not acknowledging their feelings, which is infuriating too. If you find yourself in this situation please acknowledge their anger by saying something like “I see you're very angry.” Or, “You sound very frustrated.”

Until you acknowledge

I agree, mostly, with other people who say the angry person gets angrier when you stay calm and they want a reaction from you.

But it depends on what kind of calm you are. Some people who are getting yelled at feel uncomfortable, yet try to stay calm and end up with a half smile that looks like a smirk, which is truly infuriating.

But it is more likely that you're not acknowledging their feelings, which is infuriating too. If you find yourself in this situation please acknowledge their anger by saying something like “I see you're very angry.” Or, “You sound very frustrated.”

Until you acknowledge their feelings, they are bound to stay angry, BUT as soon as you acknowledge the frustration or anger, they can agree with you and tell you why, and be able to say everything they need to say.

By acknowledging their feelings and hearing what they're saying, they will calm down faster than they would otherwise. Just staying calm is not going to de-escalate the situation, if that makes sense.

Here is a real life example, between me and someone I will just call my…Schmusband.

Me: “You sound angry.”

Him: “Hell yes! You threw out my bell bottoms!”

“Well, I said I was cleaning out the closet, and they were 40 years old, and had moth holes. But you seem really mad.”

“Yeah I'm mad! Why did you touch my stuff? Don’t touch my stuff!!”

“I'm sorry. But you knew I was cleaning the closet, I have been saying so for a week. Why are you so mad?”

“I know they were old. Duh. Why do you think I still had them?”

At this point wild horses could not have dragged out of my mouth what I was thinking in my head, which was that he hadn't cleaned out his closet in 40 years.

I kept quiet. Part of de-escalting an argument is to be able to stand in silence so the angry person can talk.

“I wore those to my first dance. I loved those things. I looked cool in them. And you didn't ask me.”

I pictured it, the long, skinny legs, the high-waisted striped polyester bell bottoms, the shiny shirts with long, wide collars, disco music…the shy boy feeling confident and cool.

Oh, damn.

“I am so sorry. They had a lot of memories for you.”

“Yes. And you didn't ask me.”

“I did say I was cleaning out the closet. But I should have waited to check with you.”

“Yes. Don't ever touch my stuff again!”

At this point, you are de- escalating successfully, the ultimatum is just another way of saying “I am still really angry, (and sad that I lost this momento, and worried you will throw out other things I value.)”

Ignore the ultimatum, but acknowlege the right to be angry, once again. And address the “secondary” feelings, which lie under the anger.

“I see now why you got so mad.” (You are now using past tense, subtly suggesting the worst anger can be over). “You kept those bell bottoms for a lot of years, because they reminded you of good times. And I should have thought about that, and asked you about them, right?”

“Right.” (Wait, did you just get to be right?)

“I am really sorry. I will never throw anything of yours out before asking again. Next time I clean out things of yours I will wait for you to be here. I promise.”

I keep that promise, too. The truth is, I had a very old bra that my mother gave me once, because it didn't fit her. I couldn't throw it out for years after she passed, even though I had worn it out. Pretty gross, hanging on to that old, ratty thing for so long, right?

Those of you who have been in counseling or customer service will recognize this role-play exercise. I know it sounds stiff, it sounds formal. But for my honey, oops I mean my schmusband, using that formal structure, acknowledging the feeling, feeding back the message for him, shows him I am listening carefully to him and speaking to him with respect and not trying to “win.”

A simple statement that acknowledges the angry person's feelings will help the situation calm down very quickly. Sometimes you have to do it a couple times, but it really works because the person feels heard.

On a personal note, if you ever get into this exact same situation do NOT say the things that you really really want to say. Things like “I've been asking you to clean out the closet for a year.” Or threaten to turn them into the program Hoarders, or ask if they intend to raise other things along with the moths and mold in the closet. It is tempting and it is even funny, but it's really not cool to sharpen your wit on the person that you love. If you want to have a peaceful household. Remember, moth farmers have feelings too.

PS. I did eventually trap him in the bedroom (never you mind how) and went through the three lawn and leaf-sized bags of clothes one by one. I would hold them up and ask, “Throw away, keep, or not sure?” The keep pile ended up being, well, reasonable. The “not sure” pile was fairly big, but skipping over the indecision was allowing progress. The next few days we debated over “not sure" items hole-by-hole, stain by stain. But the exercise helped him trust me again and forgive me.

To me, the ever-increasing pile of worn clothes that was taking over our closet and collecting moths and dust was making me insane. For him it was an exercise in letting go of a past that he wasn't completely willing to let go of, and represented a lot of mental work for him. It was easier for him to continue to avoid it.

But more importantly, it marked the beginning of learning how to communicate while being angry (his ex-wife was an “escalator” when it came to fighting …she would never back down so neither would he). We are still together after almost 20 years, and with practice we have both learned how to fight more fairly and better listen to each other, and to understand each other with things that may seem small to one person but are a big deal to the other.

Cerise my friend, I’m not trying to split hairs or play any sort of semantic game when I say I don’t see your inability to be good at “verbal arguing” as a bad thing myself.

I don’t know if you have this issue when you’re having a calm intellectual discussion with someone and the two of you have different views or positions. It’s called a “discussion” for a reason. That reason is because an argument is quite a different beast, so the two have their own labels.

I’m have worked long and hard to disengage when a discussion begins to change into an argument.

An argument begins when someone is determi

Cerise my friend, I’m not trying to split hairs or play any sort of semantic game when I say I don’t see your inability to be good at “verbal arguing” as a bad thing myself.

I don’t know if you have this issue when you’re having a calm intellectual discussion with someone and the two of you have different views or positions. It’s called a “discussion” for a reason. That reason is because an argument is quite a different beast, so the two have their own labels.

I’m have worked long and hard to disengage when a discussion begins to change into an argument.

An argument begins when someone is determined to be “right”. Even though the original discussion involved opinions on a subjective matter. Like nearly all social issues and politics are. They are a matter of opinion, and opinions aren’t facts , yet people will end up in heated arguments over a matter of opinion.

Psychologically speaking, once emotions enter into a “discussion” peoples ability to think in a calm manner diminishes as the emotions rise.

As calm is displaced by emotions our ability to think using logic and reason are displaced as well.

If you observe enough arguments , it seems that people will begin to think that the volume of their voice becomes the reason the other person can’t seem to “hear” the “point” they are trying to make, so up goes the volume.

Very often this seems to make perfectly good sense to the other person as well, and you can observe two people shouting the same one or two points over and over, and it’s usually at the same time.

But intelligence, calm , rational and logical thinking have all left the “room” in their skulls.

It’s why so many political “discussions” rapidly become arguments.

Neither side is really interested in opening their mind to a single possibility that they may be wrong at all, so you can watch two closed minded people who are setting out to “prove” that their opinion isn’t just right, but it’s a fact and not an opinion.

If you have the same kind of problem when in a real discussion the fact that you “can’t make up good points quickly” only means you aren’t fully prepared, or you lack enough significant information on your position to express it well.

I used to be on the debate team, and debate is a very rule driven and controlled argument between two teams. With the objective being your team was able to defend and advance their side of the topic well enough, and so you “win” the argument.

So, it’s possible that you are in an argument and become so emotionally invested in proving you are right that it stops or hinders your ability to actually think, let alone thinking quickly. Or you lack a degree of preparation and the person you are “debating” with is better prepared and presents points you haven’t considered, so are unprepared to deal with them when they come up.

Me? I know it takes two to argue, and I have no wish to be either one of the people.

If you remain calm while the other person begins to argue, people will see a fool arguing with someone reasonable.

If you join in the argument all people will see is two fools shouting at each other.

I do enough foolish things without making a conscious choice to be one.

A lot of people like to excuse emotional attack, but in fact, emotional attack is equal to physical attack, it’s only that this form of abuse is often excused as the injuries are not seen on the body. However, if it goes on long enough emotional attack will eventually become physical or sexual assault.

Keep in mind healthy people do not emotionally or physically or sexually attack anyone. However, emotional attack is only a sign of what is yet to come as the abuse worsens. The more one accepts abuse, the more they will accept and the more they will get.

The best way to respond to emotional attac

A lot of people like to excuse emotional attack, but in fact, emotional attack is equal to physical attack, it’s only that this form of abuse is often excused as the injuries are not seen on the body. However, if it goes on long enough emotional attack will eventually become physical or sexual assault.

Keep in mind healthy people do not emotionally or physically or sexually attack anyone. However, emotional attack is only a sign of what is yet to come as the abuse worsens. The more one accepts abuse, the more they will accept and the more they will get.

The best way to respond to emotional attack is to recognize it as the abuse it is and realize you cannot do anything about another except protect yourself against their insanity by making distance. Leave as you would a physical or sexual assault. Do not return for more.

You are not at fault for another’s insanity. You cannot make them well; only they can do that. You are not obliged to understand them, support their irresponsibility, help them become more emotionally mature, or to give them another chance. The first chance they had to respect you and treat you with dignity failed; why allow them to do it again?

So, when someone emotionally attacks you, treat it as a physical attack and realize this person thinks they are entitled to harm you in whatever way makes them feel good in the moment. Since you are dealing with a level of insanity, the best way to make distance is to say, “Thank you. I appreciate that. I will think about what you said and get back to you when I have a solution. Until then, please allow me my space. Don’t call me, I will call you.”

Then realize they will never have a solution which does not include one degree of abuse or another and LEAVE. Do not return. If they call you a few days or weeks later, tell them the truth, “they made apparent a very important issue which needs much time to address and you’re still thinking about it,” remind them then that you will call them when you are ready.

If they ask how long you’ll need, tell them, “Nothing to do with you, but everything to do with me, but by now, since the issue is so complicated, I believe you should move on because you can do better than me.”

If they want to give you another chance [to abuse you more], tell them “you appreciate their thoughtfulness, but are not ready for that just now as you are certain you will displease them again. Until you are perfect, because they deserve perfection, you will continue to work on yourself and will not contact them until you are able to please them without a doubt or a moment of disappointment.”

Since you know that is never going to happen, every time you hear from them hence, remind them that “you are still working on perfection and are not ready to talk to them just yet.”

This works really well for the abusive personality as they will be flattered you are working to better yourself so you’ll never cause them disappointment again. If they insist you are fine and they are ready to have you back, just tell them “you’re happy to hear that, but you are not ready yet. When you are, you’ll be in touch.”

If they notice you’re dating and having fun with friends and want to grill you about that, just mention “however much isolation for perfection might appeal to them, you need the input an social interaction from and with healthy individuals to help you along this road, so would appreciate that they refrain from coaching as you already have a professional who advises healthy interactions with others on this healing journey.” Then thank them and be on your way.

Eventually they’ll get bored with you and move onto another.

Some might call this manipulative behavior, however, when we consider emotionally abusive individuals are not well balanced, and that means lacks sanity, we understand the importance of not pi**ing them off as who knows what actions they will take when they are not happy for a second? As such, it’s wise not to upset the insane but to find a way to safely remove ourselves.

Best to you with that.

Note: my apologies to anyone who is unintentionally offended.

I want to be very thorough on this just so that there is a clear understanding. The reasons I have gathered from my life and travels are:

A. You are antagonizing them by being sarcastic, arrogant, or demeaning. Not so much by whether or not you right/wrong or making logical/illogical points, it's the tone and the attitude that you don't care what they have to say or how they feel that may be pushing them over the edge. Remember disregarding what they say or their feelings doesn't show love or respect no matter how loud or calm you are.

B. Power struggles and conditioning. People that are/were ab

I want to be very thorough on this just so that there is a clear understanding. The reasons I have gathered from my life and travels are:

A. You are antagonizing them by being sarcastic, arrogant, or demeaning. Not so much by whether or not you right/wrong or making logical/illogical points, it's the tone and the attitude that you don't care what they have to say or how they feel that may be pushing them over the edge. Remember disregarding what they say or their feelings doesn't show love or respect no matter how loud or calm you are.

B. Power struggles and conditioning. People that are/were abused have a hard time with not being defensive and controlling their temper. Not to say that they are trying to hurt you but you get used to environments after awhile that persons normal is a little skewed. Also, someone might feel like they need to be in charge and feel like your trying to control them. Sometimes (not all the time) it can be as easy as reminding that person you are not trying to control them.

C. Substances (obvious explanation)

Remember ,though, just because they have their reasons doesn't mean you have to take abuse. Sometimes love is shown by telling them “I'm not coming back til you prove to me you got your shit together”. Also, ive de-escalated a lot of situations just by treating the other person with respect and acknowledging that I understand how and why they were angry. Don't be cocky and you give them NO reason to be angry and if they still are walk away until they can talk civilly ( if they stop you physically and/or try to hurt you, you have a right to defend yourself and you should do so)

How do you deal with a person who constantly points out things that are wrong with you and always wants an argument?

Wow. Is this someone you’re around voluntarily?

Then I’d find another airspace.

If it’s a co-worker, a neighbor, or someone else with whom fate has thrown you together…minimize contact. If you must interact with them, give them as little energy and ammunition as you can. People can’t argue with someone who doesn’t argue back. And if you stop responding to their criticism, you’ll spoil their fun. I know people like that are infuriating. But ask yourself, how has arguing with them wo

How do you deal with a person who constantly points out things that are wrong with you and always wants an argument?

Wow. Is this someone you’re around voluntarily?

Then I’d find another airspace.

If it’s a co-worker, a neighbor, or someone else with whom fate has thrown you together…minimize contact. If you must interact with them, give them as little energy and ammunition as you can. People can’t argue with someone who doesn’t argue back. And if you stop responding to their criticism, you’ll spoil their fun. I know people like that are infuriating. But ask yourself, how has arguing with them worked for you?

If it’s a family member, and you’re underage: again, same advice as above: minimize contact and limit your energy and ammunition. Count the years until you can get out, and then promise yourself, when you get to choose who you live with, that you’ll never indulge someone like this ever.

Those people aren’t worth your time.

This is assuming, of course, that you’re not the one inviting this treatment by messing with people, and inviting arguments by what you say and do. If you are, clean up your own act.